Eli Meir (with thanks to Lewis Carrol)
"Just the place for a model", the PI cried
As he hit his computer with spite
Massaging each point falling far to the side
With a formula keyed in late at night.
"Just the place for a model! I have said it twice:
That alone should encourage my crew.
"Just the place for a model! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true.
The lab was complete: it included a Nethead
A fixer of wires and bits
A Penman who brought two boxes of lead
In case they'd need anything writ
A Dean of the college dressed smartly and smiled
And signed papers throughout the day.
Which immediately slid off of the table in piles
That got in everyone's way.
A Contractor built them new rooms every spring
Each one named for some rich benefactor
Though the money left over couldn't pay for a thing
To furnish the rooms with after.
A Postdoc who spoke with great eloquence
Might perhaps have absconed with the credit.
But a Lawyer engaged at enormous expense
Spent her time writing trademarks to prevent it.
There was also a Trustee that hid way in the back
Who no one has seen up to now.
But had often (the Dean said) kept them on track
Though none of the lab knew quite how.
An Undergrad came with a fresh B.S.
They had hired her on as a tech.
Though it turned out she was allergic to glass
Which they had not bothered to check.
She said she was willing to do anything
As long as no glass was nearby.
Except that she hated to read, write, or think
And refused to put on a tie.
They finally had her make paper airplanes
And play solitaire with the computer.
Hoping she alone could procrastinate for them all
And the others would work in the future.
The final members deserve special mention
For they took up the most room.
Two Graduate Students sat making inventions
Though only of drinking games after noon.
Both Grads had shown up with piles of books
That covered all of human knowledge.
None of which they had given a serious look
As they only had bought them for college.
One of the students was slow in his thoughts
As he would himself admit
He had spent nigh one year pondering Newton's first law
And he now claimed he almost had got it.
The other one seemed much better at first
She only talked in equations
But though this made all her statements quite compact and terse
Not a one could decipher what she was saying.
Still the PI thought each of the Grads was swell
A ticket to fortune and fame
If only they could make models as well
They might even live up to his name.
At which point he promised (quite generously)
He'd be happy to write up their results.
And to show he had not lost his modesty.
He might give them first authorship once.
The Grads thought that grand and proceeded apace
Pursuing one idea then another.
Though none would quite work when put into practice
And the PI's sole advice was "Work harder".
They worked eight days a week and well into the night
Still the data just wouldn't come.
Till finally a thesis seemed not worth the fight
And their work switched to gossip and lunch.
The Undergrad afraid of losing her job
complained bitterly to the Dean.
But all he could say was "Fill out these forms,
and I'll go and form a committee."
The lawyer offered to write up a suit
For a dollar amount in the millions
Which argued time wasting was a professional pursuit
And the grads were not part of the union.
But they finally settled, outside in the hall
On 2 hours time wasting per day.
With an extra hour at lunch in the mall
That only the Undergrad could take.
Still whenever the Grads came in through the door.
The Undergrad hastened to look busy
Frittering away time till a quarter past four
While complaining her work made her dizzy.
The PI himself they all praised to the skies-
Such a carriage, such ease and such grace!
Such solemnity, too! One could see he was wise,
The moment one looked in his face!
He had brought a large textbook representing the field,
Without even one word within.
And the lab were much pleased when they found it to be
A text they could all comprehend.
"What's the good of Facts, Figures and Explanations
Legends, References, and Sidelines"
So the PI would cry: and the lab would reply
"They are merely old paradigms!"
"Other texts are such tomes, with their chapters and tests
But we've got our wise PI to thank"
(So the lab would protest) "that he's bought us the best-
A perfect and absolute blank!"
This was charming, no doubt: but they shortly found out
This PI whose paths they dutifully walked.
Had only one notion for finding the truth
And that was to play with his chalk.
He was thoughtful and grave- but instructions he gave
Were enough to bewilder them through
When he cried "Check the fruit fly for quarks in its nuclei"
What's a poor starving student to do?
Then the DNA fogged up the microscope sometimes
A thing that the PI noted
Quite often happened in desperate times
When the lab work is, so to speak, modeled.
But the principal failing occured getting grants
And the PI, distressed and perplexed,
Said he had hoped, at least, when reviewers said brilliant
Some money would come to him next.
But the danger was past - they had data at last,
Safely stowed away in their laptops
Yet the lab was distraught with the results they had
Which consisted cheifly of gaps.
The PI perceived that their spirits were low,
And repeated in musical tone
Some jokes he had kept for a season of woe-
But the lab would do nothing but groan.
He served bottles of beer with a liberal hand,
And bade them sit down on the bench:
And they could not but own that their PI looked grand,
As he lectured them with this speech.
"Energy equals mass times lightspeed squared!"
(They were all of them fond of true facts:
So they drank to his health and they clapped and they roared
While he slowly passed out the snacks).
We have worked many months, we have worked many weeks,
(Four weeks to the month you may mark),
But never as yet ('tis your PI who speaks)
Has the truth peeked out of the dark.
We have worked many weeks, we have worked many days,
(Seven days to the week I allow),
But a truth on which we might lovingly gaze,
We have never beheld till now!
"When the data is weak, and the research is slow
On a hunt you must set out at once
For a model to put it together just so
And make each reviewer feel like a dunce.
"Come, listen, my lab, while I tell you again
The five unmistakable signs
By which you may know, wheresoever you go,
When a model is in your designs.
"Let us take them in order. The first is the color
Which must be chiefly opaque
So no one deciphers the models internals
Which are generally completely blank.
"The exact conclusion you expect to discover
Must either be obvious or obtuse.
The former when sending the model to Nature
The latter for job interviews.
"Third is the amount of data you assemble
To compare with the models results
One data point makes models much more credible
But two is already too much.
"You'll agree when I tell you a model is called for
In cases where real research is lacking
Particularly in questions of grave political import
Where real answers would be too restricting
"The fifth and most important sign of them all
Is your coffee and candy consumption
If chocolate and lattes are your standard staple
A model is almost an assumption.
"These signs will infallibly guide your decisions
To put a model in the wings.
And next I will give but the briefest of mentions
To the dangers that models may bring.
"For, although common models do no manner of harm,
Yet I feel it my duty to say
Some are Boojums-" The PI broke off in alarm,
For the Nethead had fainted away.
They roused him with coffee, they roused him with beer
They roused him with vitamin C
They roused him with life's outstanding mysteries
They set him manuscripts to critique
When at length he sat up and was able to speak
He offered to give them a talk
And the PI cried "Silence! not even a shriek"
And excitedly juggled his chalk.
There was silence supreme! Not a cough, not a snore
Scarcely even a murmur or snitch
As the Nethead shed his language of bits, bytes, and boards
And tried to recall his english
"My father and mother were smart, though not famous--"
"Skip all that!" cried the PI in haste.
"If the morning arrives with the model unfinished
The whole of our work is a waste."
"I skip all through college" said the Nethead abashed
"And past my first job in the shuttle.
To pick up on the day when I joined this lab
To help you in hunting models.
"A dear old lamented professor of mine,
Remarked when I bade him farewell
"Oh skip your old prof" the PI exclaimed.
"He's already over the hill"
"He remarked then to me" he went on with much coughing
"If your model be true, that is right:
Publish widely and often, and ignore any scoffing
Especially when the real data's slight.
"You may seek it with symbols -- and seek it with talks
You may hunt it with invited guests
You may threaten to square it with pi and with e
You may charm it with versions of linux
("That's exactly the method," the PI injected
"That's exactly what my grants propose.
Though reviewers seem always to find some objection
And say that my controls are too loose)
"But oh, beamish student, beware of the day,
If your model be a boojum, for then
You will softly and suddenly vanish away
And never be published again.
"It is this, it is this that gives me great fright
When I think of my prof's few last words
And although I may program throughout the whole night
In the dawn I burn like shorted out cords.
"It is this, it is this--" " We have had that before!"
The PI indignantly said
And the Nethead replied "Let me say it once more.
It is this, it is this that I dread!
"I hunt out new models -- each day on the sofa --
While sleeping away last nights work.
I get millions of data in a delirious state
And dream graphs that overturn the textbook.
"But if ever I find a Boojum, that day
In a moment (of this I am sure),
I shall softly and suddenly vanish away--
And the notion I cannot endure!"
The PI looked up at the ceiling and muttered
"If only you'd raised this challenge before
It's excessively late to start a debate.
With the model, so to speak, at the door!
"We should all of us grieve, as you well may believe,
If you never were heard from again--
But surely, my man, when your job began,
You might have suggested it then?
"It's excessively late to begin this debate --
As I think I've already made mention."
And the man they called "Pi" replied, quite irate,
"I informed you when you hired me on.
"You may charge me with forgery, or accuse me of plagary
(We are all of us weak at times):
But the slightest approach to a false bravery
Was never among my crimes!
"I said it in Ada, I said it in Lisp
I told you in Cobol and C
But I wholly forgot (my mind must have just slipped)
That English is what you all speak.
"'Tis a pitiful tale," said the PI, whose face
Had grown longer at every word:
"But, now that you've stated the whole of your case,
More debate would be simply absurd.
"The rest of my speech" (he explained to his lab)
"You shall hear when I've leisure to speak it.
But the Model's at hand, let me tell you again!
'Tis your glorious duty to build it!
"To build it with symbols, to build it with talks
To hunt it with invited guests
To threaten to square it with pi and with e
To charm it with versions of linux!
"For a model's a peculiar creature, that won't
Be built in a commonplace way.
Do all that you know, and try all that you don't
Not a chance must be wasted to-day!
"For the academy expects -- I forbear to proceed:
In Sweden they are watching our plight
Thus you best clear the vending machines of things that you need
To rig yourselves out for the night."
Then the Penman sharpened a whole box of lead
And checked every ballpoint for ink
While the postdoc made slides of the sacred cows
the results of the model would sink
The Dean convened a committee of one
To discuss the ethics of the case.
Which spent all its time calling the powers that be
To suss out which side they should take.
The committee results were sent to the Trustee
Who deigned to appear for a trife.
He looked around briefly and sat for high tea
Then asked them to name it for his wife.
The Nethead impatiently sat at his terminal
checking security measures.
To make sure no nefarious competitor
could sneak in and steal all their treasures.
And when no competitors appeared in sight
The Nethead attacked his own port
Testing if everyone's passwords were secure
And bringing all work to a halt.
The PI came out from behind his desk
To give the graduate students a lecture
On the magnitude of the forthcoming task
Whose completion he fully expected
To which the graduate students replied
They would need some extra help
Particularly someone who could get code compiled
Which average undergrads might do in a snap
Hearing this, the undergrad tried to sneak out
A movie suddenly sounding awfully nice
But the lawyer caught her and threatened a suit
And the dean gave her fatherly advice
So the undergrad went and sat in a corner
And doodled the whole night through
Wondering if this was really the life for her
But hoping the grade would be good.
They built it with symbols, they built it with talks
They hunted with invited guests
They threatened to square it with pi and with e
They charmed it with versions of linux!
Then the Penman contrived an ingenious design
That would run to completion in one night
And had set aside space on all the computers
To start all his jobs ...
But the very same design to the Dean had occured
He had written the very same code
<<< interlude while awaiting further developments >>>
In the midst of the point he was trying to make
In the midst of his breakthrough discovery
He softly and silently vanished away
For the model was a boojum, you see.